fufushushe

Today is May 16, 2030, and I have been staying at home for almost half a year.
In the winter six months ago, it was my eighth time taking the postgraduate entrance exam. I had fought and failed repeatedly, and finally fell into depression. When I came out of the exam room that day, my father didn't ask me how I did, probably because he already knew the result. I swallowed back the words "I did okay" that were on the tip of my tongue and fell into silence with the rest of the family in the car.
During the Chinese New Year dinner in 2029, my uncle asked me where I planned to take the exam this time, but I didn't say anything. My uncle said, "If you don't even dare to say, how can you pass the exam?" I couldn't help but reply, "Does pumping oneself up like this really work? Whether I can pass or not doesn't depend on whether I say it or not." I looked up at him and saw that contemptuous look again. Yes, my cousin didn't choose to take the postgraduate entrance exam and is now a special education teacher, a scarce profession. And my cousin's college entrance exam scores were excellent, nearly a hundred points higher than mine, and she went on to pursue a master's and doctoral degree through recommended admission. Although my uncle made mistakes when he was young, his two successful daughters are his capital to look down on me. I was so unwilling at that time, and I secretly vowed that I would definitely pass the exam this year and fulfill my seven-year dream of going to Tianjin University.
However, I am ultimately not cut out for it. Not only do I lack talent, but my character is also poor. Self-control is secondary, the main issue is that I can't control my anxiety. When I see others studying in an orderly manner, my mind becomes a mess... As expected, I was once again rejected. I didn't need to wait for the results of the first round, I already knew after taking the first exam, no, I knew a month before the exam... And after that, I couldn't speak anymore. My parents were also very worried about me, but no one could help me. I tried seeing a psychologist, but it didn't have much effect.
In March of this year, my girlfriend left me because of my decline. She said a lot of things. She said she was sorry for leaving me when I needed help the most, even though we had agreed before that we would get engaged regardless of the exam results. I don't blame her at all because I promised to make her happy, but how can I continue to entangle her when I can't even pass the postgraduate entrance exam? I feel ashamed to face her and her family, and she can't tolerate the fallen me. She said she doesn't care how much money I can make in the future, she just doesn't want me to continue to be so decadent, she wants me to pull myself together and live a good life.
However, I am not moved. In these years, she became a teacher, saved some money, and opened a bubble tea shop with her good friend. Later, the business grew and she even started franchising. Now she is a big boss. She wants to live a sweet life with me like before, but I am no longer the person I used to be. Until now, my heart is numb. I have devoted eighteen years to my studies, at least, let me achieve some results, let me know that these years have not been in vain. I rejected her, using the same excuses as last year, the year before, and the year before that. She left, and I feel like she will never come back. I am no longer myself. I told my father that I won't take the postgraduate entrance exam anymore, and I want to go back to high school. There was a glimmer of light in my father's eyes, the first time in half a year. He said he was really moved by my determination, and he admired me; he said as long as I don't give up, he will fully support me, even though he is already sixty years old; he said that although I have done many foolish things before, a prodigal son can still turn his life around. He also said that since I have chosen this path, I shouldn't have any worries; he also said that even if I fail in the end, our family will still have food to eat.
I wanted to cry, but I couldn't shed a tear. I have become numb. I have heard these words too many times over the past decade. When my father speaks, he speaks from the bottom of his heart and often sheds tears, but I remain unaffected. I don't know when I became so heartless. Looking at my father's white hair, I couldn't help but feel sorrow. I picked up the water glass on the table and smashed it against my head. My father is already old, and he couldn't stop me. He fell to the ground, and my mother burst into tears.
And today, May 16th, my father brought me to the famous school in the province. It's more like returning than coming here because I graduated from here. It's not easy to deal with my situation. I no longer have a student status, but my father went around asking for help to solve the problem of my student status. The method he used was unbelievable to me. Now, I am a high school student who has been on a leave of absence for eleven years due to an accident. My task is to review for a year and take the college entrance exam in 2031.
I came to the desk next to the homeroom teacher's office, just like going back to that summer. That year, because my college entrance exam scores were so embarrassing, I had to choose to repeat the year. It's just like today, my father is by my side, bowing and scraping to the homeroom teacher who is nearly forty years younger than him and younger than me, saying, "The child hasn't studied high school knowledge for a long time, so please take care of him..."
The teacher said that there are many students in similar situations like mine and told me not to feel pressured. The teacher said that there have been students who repeated the year for fifteen years, so I'm not a special case. The teacher said that the situation now is very different from before, and fresh graduates account for less than thirty percent of the total number of applicants. The teacher also said that we are all fighters who don't want to waste our youth and that this group of people gathered together will surely create unique memories. The teacher also said to study hard and make sure the report card lives up to my own expectations...
"Child, as you know," my father said, "I have always been the one others ask for help, but for you, I have begged so many people. Let's just say it's for me, let's just say it's for your father..."
"I believe that with your intelligence, you can definitely do it. Don't let others laugh at our family anymore."
"Is that okay?"
I'm going to stay here. I accompanied my father to the school gate. The familiar gate, the familiar path.